The Green One
by gh43
Summary: When an evil scientist swaps Mario & Luigi's personalities and then hands Mario over to Bowser, it's up to Luigi to save everyone's favorite red capped plumber. Will he succeed? Or is this the end of the Super Mario Brothers?
1. Here we go!

**This is my first fiction posted on this site. I hope you enjoy it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Mario Bros. The name Ollie Smokes belongs to Nintendo, one of the Toads in Partners in Time said the name trying to remember Prof. E. Gadd and I liked it enough to snatch it ;) But the character himself is sort of mine.**

* * *

It's-a me, Luigi! You know me, right? Luigi, Mario's little brother? The Green Thunder? Aw, come on! You gotta know me! The tall green guy who follows Mario around? What do you mean, it doesn't ring a bell?! . . .Fine, be that way.

I live in the Mushroom Kingdom just outside Toad Town in a little white cottage with my big brother, Mario. Yes, the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. And I help him out, occasionally. Ah, you're remembering me now.

Oh, so you still don't know who I am? Shoot, I thought that would work.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, that's right, that little cottage on the edge of Toad Town. It's a really nice cottage, you should visit sometime.

Mario had left some time ago and was probably off on some exciting mission to rescue the Princess again, which gave me a chance to catch up on some spring cleaning. Don't tell anybody about this, but I kind of enjoy spring cleaning. And no, I'm not a weenie. It's perfectly OK for a guy to enjoy cleaning his home, you know.

I put away the remainder of the dishes and moved on to the bunk beds my brother and I share, intent of making them. I got the bottom bunk, and Mario gets the top, because he's older and. . .well. . .I kinda, sorta. . . have this. . .thing. . .for heights. I don't like 'em. Never have, never will. They make me feel queasy.

Anyway, as I was debating the best way to fix up Mario's blankets without actually climbing all the way up there myself, the doorbell rang, shaking me from my thoughts.

_'Now who could that be?'_ I wondered, removing the apron I had tied around my waist to protect my clothes. (There is NOTHING wrong with wearing an apron and I do NOT have a problem!) I bounded to the other side of the room and opened the door.

The caller was a man I'd never seen before. He had slicked back black hair and a goatee. He wore wire rimmed glasses and had a long scar running from the bottom of his chin to just above his right eye. Frankly, he reminded me of a mad scientist on one of those corny T.V. shows Mario and I liked watching. (Yes, Mario and I! He likes them too so GET OFF MY CASE!!!)

"Ah, hello, is this the home of the Mario brothers?" the man asked.

"Yep," I replied cheerfully. "Mario's not here right now, but you can leave a message and I'll pass it along."

"I'm not looking for Mario. I'm looking for a man named Luigi," the caller replied.

Now, this was interesting. Not many people came to the house looking for me. In fact, nobody came looking for me unless they were selling something. Which reminded me. . .

"I'm Luigi," I told him. "And we don't need home insurance, life insurance, our carpets are clean, and we are very happy with our current phone plan. We've got a complete set of the Encyclopedia and we really don't need anything you're selling." (If you haven't noticed, I've spent several years perfecting that speech.)

"You misunderstand me." The man tried to grin, I think. What really appeared was more of a grimace/sneer combo. Kinda creepy if you ask me. "I wish to speak to Luigi on a scientific matter."

I tried unsuccessfully to contain my excitement. I _adored_ science. "I'm Luigi," I told him, now immensely curious.

"Ah, is that so?" Giving me another one of his smile/sneers, the man said, "I have it on good authority that you are a coward, correct?"

Well, so much for that. I felt my cheeks flush and I stuttered, "Um, well. . .I thought this was about science. . ."

"Now, now, bear with me," the man bowed slightly. "I am Professor Ollie Smokes. Professor E. Gadd and I are. . .colleagues. . ." Professor Smokes had a weird look on his face as he said this; like he'd just been asked to eat a bowl full of worms. Clearing his throat, he continued, "But I digress. I must say I have studied the career of the fabled Mario Bros. with immense curiosity, and I have found that although your brother seems to be the one always in the limelight, you happen to be quicker, smarter, and more agile than he. I found it such a shame that he should always be praised for doing things that you could do so much better if you weren't such a coward."

. . .And this conversation just went downhill fast. Hey, I know I'm not the bravest guy around. I'm a craven little coward, OK? There, I said it. I admit it. I'm too scared to do anything worth wile. Now why does every one feel it is their patriotic duty to remind me of this?

"Goodbye," I told the professor curtly and started to shut the door in his face. It wouldn't shut. That creep had his foot in the door!

I gave him a sour look and pulled the door in faster. It still wouldn't close. I slammed it harder, trying to make it hurt enough so he'd retract his foot. No dice.

I reared back to slam the door with all my might. That guy was going to regret messing with me! However, just before I slammed it shut, Professor Smokes cleared his throat.

"Before you try that again, I'd suggest moving your cat, Luigi."

My. . .uh-oh.

I looked down worriedly and sure enough, I'd been smashing the life out of my fluffy little kitty, who had a 'how'd that happen!?' look on it's adorably traumatized face.

"Now, if you'll allow me to finish explaining, I've just put the finishing touches on a machine that will allow me to reverse your genetic makeup thus allowing you to overcome your terribly timid tendencies."

Do you have any idea what he's saying? Me neither.

Obviously realizing the look of cluelessness on my face, Professor Smokes sighed and said, "It makes you brave."

"Oh! Why didn't you say so?"

"I did say so!"

Although this little conversation we were having was fine and dandy, I still had no idea why he was here. "So uh. . .what's that have to do with me?"

Professor Smokes looked at me like I was an idiot and sighed. "Did you not hear one word I said?!"

"Sure, I heard it, I just didn't understand it," I explained.

Another sigh. The Professor started speaking slowly and loudly, trying to make his point. "I would like for you to be my first test subject."

"You want me to do what?!"

"Now, now, it's voluntary, of course." Again the professor gave me his grimace/sneer. "Just think of what would happen if it was a success."

Well, not being a coward had been one of my lifelong dreams. It'd be nice to be able to do the things Mario did so effortlessly. I could really be a bigger help to him. And I would finally be able to muster up the courage to say hi to Daisy, the girl I've loved for years. Or. . .or even be able to fix up Mario's bed without fainting from terror.

I made one of my snap decisions. The ones where I look back and think 'That was the best decision I've ever made', or 'I can't believe I'd do something so stupid!'

"Okie-dokie," I told him. "I'll do it."

* * *

Two hours later, I was strapped to a hard metal machine and Professor Smokes was attaching a helmet full of wires to my head.

To my credit, I wasn't nervous at all. Frightened, maybe. So terrified I was about to pee my pants, definitely. But nervous, no, not at all.

Gulping loudly, I tried to make conversation with the professor to take my mind off the mind-numbing terror. "So, Prof, how does this thing work, exactly?"

"It swaps your personality with another person."

I chuckled. "That's funny, Professor. Now how does it really work?"

"I am not jesting."

My smile faded. I wracked my brain and finally blurted out the first thing that came to it. "Who'd ever volunteer to switch personalities with me?"

"I never said the other test subject was willing, now, did I?"

I blinked slowly, not quite understanding at first. Then it dawned on me, and I felt my jaw drop to the floor.

"What? You mean you're. . .you're forcing someone to do this?" I felt sick; I was such an idiot for agreeing to participate in an experiment run by someone I didn't even know! I started struggling against the metal straps, trying to free myself. "Then count me out! I won't be a party to something like this!"

"Now, now, no complaining. The other test subject doesn't." Professor Smokes cackled like. . .well, like a mad scientist and waltzed out of the room, returning with the other hapless victim of his experiment. I couldn't get a good look at the guy's face, but he was obviously unconscious.

Still laughing uncontrollably, Professor Smokes hooked him up to the machine and stepped back, pulling a lever. The most intense pain I'd ever felt wracked my body. I tried to scream but the sound wouldn't come out. In the split second before I lost consciousness, however, I recognized the other man strapped to the machine.

"Mario!"

* * *

**Like it, hate it, let me know. Hit the button and review.**


	2. Sarasaland Castle

**I'm glad everyone seems to like this so far. Disclaimer: I don't own Mario Bros. If I did, I probably wouldn't demean them in this manner.**

* * *

I woke in a cold sweat. A dream. It had been a dream. I was safe in my bed and. . .

. . .Since when did my bed have rocks?

I moaned and stood up, moaning as I realized I was not at home. My head was aching and clutched it as I sat up. I noticed a note attached to my shirt with a safety pin. I unhooked it and read:

_Dear Luigi:_

_ I have taken your brother to another of my labs to run a few more'tests.' _

_His Majesty King Bowser has agreed to be my assistant. Hope you like the idea, _

_because this is ALL YOUR FAULT. You'll never see Mario again._

_Sincerely yours,  
_

_Ollie Smokes, Ph. D, S.A.T, G.E.D. and G.T.O.  
_

_P.S.: You won't find a clue to stop us at Sarasaland Castle._

Now, I admit I never paid much attention in English class, but I'm pretty sure S.A.T. and G.E.D. are not doctorates. And isn't a G.T.O. a car? Not that that matters or anything. . .

With that important piece of information disclosed, I started of to the bright horizon, the sun on my back, the wind on my face, and that stupid G.T.O. song stuck in my head.

I took my first step and tripped on a rock. Wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been at the top of a hill. (How come I only trip on rocks on top of hills?!) I proceeded to tumble very painfully down said hill.

"Ouch! Ow! Eek! Mamma Mia, that smarts!"

Finally, I landed with a thud. I looked around woozily and saw a cave. It was cold, dark, and for some strange, inexplicable reason, I wanted to explore it.

I mean, come on! This is ME we're talking about. Cave, dark, and explore it are not supposed to be spoken in the same sentence around me! I'm afraid of exploring my own sock drawer, for Pete's sake!

Be that as it may, I really, really wanted to know what was in there.

Not stopping to ponder this strange, new emotion, I proceeded into the cave. Once inside, I gasped, my eyes widening at the sight in front of me.

"Look at all the mushrooms!" I told no one in particular. My voice reverberated off the walls and a highly amusing echo was the result. I had to stop and do a few more funny sounding words and noises so I could hear the echoes they produced. (Oh, sure, like you've never done that.)

But the fact remained that I had found the mother load of all mushroom stashes right here in this cave. I grabbed as many as my pockets could carry just in case (It never hurts to be prepared) and continued my impromptu spelunking session.

Luckily, there was a way out of the cave, and even more luckily, I found myself about half a mile away from Sarasaland Castle. Am I good, or what?

I swear, if you say 'or what', I'm gonna. . .

Never mind, it's not important. What was important was that I could see the castle clearly in the distance, and that it was under attack!

Worried about Daisy, my not-quite-but-here's-hoping-she-could-be girlfriend, I broke out into a sprint and raced toward the woman my heart desires. . .

Um, did I just say that? I didn't say that. I NEVER said that. We're just friends. That's all. And I'm happy. PERFECTLY happy. So there.

Anyway, I'd almost made it to the castle when I saw IT. Two of them, actually. I'll never be able to get over those looks, the dark brown complexion, the sharp (And trust me, very painful) teeth, big, bloodshot eyes. . .

Crap, why'd it have to be Goombas?! Sure, you may think it's a simple case of jump, squash, move on, but that was when Mario was here. We were a team. We divided the work. He did the jump and squash, and I did the move on. This time I'm on my own. So now what?

All of a sudden I was running again. It's like my feet had a mind of their own. All I knew was that I was tensing for a jump. . .and I felt absolutely thrilled for some reason. . .

* * *

George the Goomba had had a boring day. So he'd been very pleased when his pal, Frank the Goomba, came over to talk.

"Hey, wassup, Frank!"

"George, buddy, I haven't seen you for awhile. How have you been?"

"Never better, Frank. Never better."

Frank grinned, pleased with this information. "I'm glad you're feeling more like your old self. It wasn't right, you jumping at shadows like that. Even when you got out of the hospital and that body cast was removed, you always acted like you thought somebody was out to get you."

George shrugged, a rather impressive feat for a thing with no arms. "Yeah, well, it was distressing when that fat man guy with the red shirt and blue overalls stomped on my head. I thought I'd never get over it, but I've had some therapy and I feel I can finally put it behind me."

"That's great, pal." Frank bounced happily. "That's real great. Look on the bright side, that's what I always say."

George nodded, yet another impressive talent. "Yeah, you're probably right. I mean, what are the odd it would happen again? Probably a million to. . ." George noticed a shadow falling over him. Confused, he looked up and saw a man with a green shirt and blue overalls. Or rather, the man's foot coming toward his head.

George groaned audibly. "Crap. Not again."

**_Squish._**

Frank looked in stunned alarm as the man jumped off George's head and was now heading for his own. Ever the one to look at the bright side, Frank smirked. "Well, at least this one isn't fat," he remarked.

**_Squish._**

* * *

You know, I'd never realized how squishy Goombas are. It's almost like bouncing on a trampoline.

I like bouncing on Goombas.

By now, I'd made it to the castle. There was a green shelled Koopa guarding the door, but I didn't hesitate. I rushed to him and punched him in the face. Startled, and probably in much pain, the Koopa retreated into his shell. I grabbed it and threw it into the window, where it hit a random Goomba.

The Goomba stood up, blinking rapidly, and looked out the window. He spotted me and then gazed at the Koopa spinning helplessly on his back. "Wow," he said. "Good shot!"

The Koopa moaned audibly. "Why does everyone hate me so!?!" he sobbed.

I was torn away from this amusing display by a high pitched scream of terror. Startled, and a bit worried, I looked up at the top of the castle, where the scream had come from. I saw Daisy, struggling with something, and I felt myself heating up with pure fury. How dare those stupid Koopas attack my Daisy!

I opened the door to the castle and raced to the stairs. Unfortunately, it's a rather big castle, and I have a rather bad sense of direction, so. . .

Fifteen minutes later I was lucky enough to find a directory, and after studying it for a while, was on my way to the stairs to rescue my lady love.

Err, friend. Just friend. That's all, and I have no intention of. . .never mind.

I started up the stairs, pouncing Goombas and munching an occasional mushroom or two to regain stamina. Just outside the door, I heard an alarming conversation.

"I'll never tell you anything! I'll never betray my people!"

That was Daisy's voice! There was a horrifying sound, it sounded like someone had a pipe and were hitting her with it!

Absolutely horrified, I threw the door open. . .

. . .to be met by a very mad Daisy, holding a pipe and beating a couple of Koopas over the head with it.

You know, she's cute when she's angry.

"I'd never tell you anything, you creeps!" Daisy yelled, bopping them once more for good measure.

Off to the side and a safe distance away, Bowser Jr. was watching disinterestedly. He yawned and then he turned to me. He blinked slowly, his mouth forming a little O. Then he blurted out, "How'd you get here?"

"Um, I saw the stairs and I walked up them?" I offered.

Bowser Jr frowned, the wheels of his mind turning. "Oh," he finally replied. "Why are you here?"

I grinned and replied. "I'm here to stop you and rescue the victims of your evil scheme!"

One of the Koopas looked up hopefully. "Oh, thank goodness!" he gushed.

Daisy bopped him on the head again.

"OW!!!" he screamed.

For his own part, Bowser Jr started laughing hysterically. "YOU!?! Please, you couldn't stop a fly!"

Now, that was uncalled for. My pride was hurt, and I had to defend myself. "I could too!"

"Could not!" Jr. countered.

"Could too!"

"Could not!"

"Could too!"

"Could not infinity." Jr grinned and stuck his tongue out at me.

Well, that did it. I punched him right on his smart little mouth.

"OW!!" Jr grabbed his mouth and rubbed it. He glared at me. "You hit so haaard!" he whined.

Really, is this guy for real? "Jr, we're in an epic battle! What am I supposed to do?"

"We are?" Jr asked, his eyes lighting up. "Cool! I've never been in an epic battle before!"

"Yeah, well, this is kind of a first for me, too," I admitted.

Jr. frowned again, growing contemplative. "Um, what do you do in an epic battle?"

"Uh. . .improvise?" I offered.

"OK." Jr. lunged at me, attempting to, I don't know, bite my knees off. (He probably wanted to bite my face off, but frankly, my knees were the highest he could reach.)

I stepped to the side, and he rushed right past me and out the open window behind me. Well. That was anti-climatic.

I looked out the window to see Jr. climbing out of the castle moat. (How does one get a moat around a castle in the desert?) The reptile looked up at me and shook his fist.

"Looks like your moat came in handy, Daisy," I commented as the Koopaling stomped off.

"I don't have a moat," Daisy replied, hitting a Koopa again.

I have learned that some things are better off being left alone. If that wasn't a moat, I probably didn't want to know what it was.

Seeing that Daisy was safe and happy again (Too bad the same couldn't be said for her 'guests'). I left the castle to resume my search.

Mario, I hope you're alright.

* * *

**And that's a wrap! See ya later. RR, please.**


	3. Meanwhile

**Here's another chapter. This one is in Mario's P.O.V. Let's see what everyone's favorite red-capped plumber is going through, shall we?  
Disclaimer: I don't own Mario Bros. Life is so unfair. . .**

* * *

I couldn't move or see. And I was in pain.

Not 'you stepped on my toe' pain. Not even 'somebody replaced the trampoline with rabid zombie pit weevils' (I'm pretty sure that really hurts). No, this was 'my intestines are on fire and burning my entire body' pain. (Again, that just has to hurt.) Yes, I am in total, undeniable, blinding. . . am I moving?

"We'd better get him to Bowser fast. I really don't want to be around when he wakes up." Someone--I assumed it to be one of my captors--muttered.

I tried to open my eyes but I still couldn-t see anything. I panicked for a second--had someone blinded me? Then I realized I'd been blindfolded and sighed in relief. (It-s sad when you are relieved to be blindfolded.)

The moving sensation stopped and the creeps holding me dropped me like a sack of potatoes. But a _living_ sack of potatoes, and for that at least, I was oddly grateful. (Again: It's sad when you are grateful to someone who throws you on concrete.)

"BWAHAHAHA. . ." Evil, maniacal laughter I've come to know and loathe echoed around the room. I have to admit; it was a better laugh than usual. This is the first time it actually made me shudder. Bowser must have been practicing really hard. (Seriously, this guy needs to get a life.)

"Bring him closer!" The self-proclaimed King of the Koopas ordered. I flinched at his voice; it was louder and more menacing than usual.

My captors grabbed my arms and half-dragged, half-shoved me forward. "Watch it!" I yelled at him, as my stomach flipped. Was I. . . nervous?

'Of course not,' I scolded myself. 'I'm just not feeling well and that roughhousing just made my breakfast want to see what the heck was going on.'

One of the two yanked the blindfold off my head and I blinked, trying to adjust.

I looked up at King Koopa and mentally noted that he'd been working out. That was the only explanation as to why he seemed larger and more terrifying than usual. Of course, he wasn't usually terrifying, but you get the idea. His eyes had an evil glint to them and his usually amusing attempt at looking menacing was now oddly creepy. He probably spent hours practicing that look in a mirror. (Again: This man needs a life.)

He grinned at me, something that I had always found inherently disturbing, and I noticed that his teeth were extremely sharp. Had they always been that sharp? I couldn't recall. . .

"Welcome to my humble abode, Mario," he said. "I trust you will find your stay comfortable." He threw his head back and did his evil laugh again.

"BWAHAHAHAHA--**_Gak_**!" His eyes went wide and his hands went to his throat. "Oh, great _*cough, cough*_ I swallowed a bug!"

The Koopa guard to my left panicked. "His chokingness needs help!" He rushed to the evil tyrant, stood behind him, and tried to do the Heimlich maneuver--emphasis on 'tried.' As soon as the Koopa wrapped his arms around his leader, however, he screamed and jerked back.

"OW!!! Your back is so SHARP!!" He screamed, running around like a chicken with his head cut off.

Bowser coughed a few more time, pounding his chest with his hand, until the offending insect was disposed of. The guard ran into a wall and knocked himself out.

Bowser closed his eyes and muttered something under his breath--something about competent help, but I couldn't catch it.

Then he turned back to me and gave a malevolent chuckle. My heartbeat started racing and I momentarily forgot to breathe. What in the. . . I'm actually afraid of this loser!?! I'm not afraid of Bowser Koopa! I've never been afraid of Bowser Koopa! I've never been afraid of ANYTHING!!! (Well, except encyclopedia salesmen, but that's another story.)

"I do hope you'll have a few not-so-pleasant dreams, plumber," the Koopa King smirked, hitting me in the face with his fist. I saw birds and Power Stars. . .

* * *

When I woke up, I was in a small cage dangling from the ceiling by a chain. My jaw was aching from Bowser's punch and I moaned loudly, rubbing it.

How do I get into these messes!?! I mean, it had started out as a nice day. . .Bowser _would_ have to pick a nice day to decide to trap me. Although, now that I think about it, a giant sign saying 'free pasta' that was pointing toward a deserted alley was kind of suspicious. . .I swear, if I ever get out of here, I'll never fall for another one of those stupid 'free pasta' tricks of his again. (Of course, I said that last time I fell for that stupid trick.)

After what seemed like an eternity, one of Bowser's lackeys came by. He pointed his weapon at me threateningly as he unlocked my cage. "Come with me," he ordered.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked shakily. I clenched my fists together, angry at myself. Why am I acting this way?! I'm not scared of Koopas. . . I am not scared. . .

I am a liar. . .

"Quiet! The prisoner will not speak!" the guard ordered, poking me with the tip of his spear to make his point. I couldn't stop a nervous yelp when the weapon touched me. Great, I'm turning into a regular Luigi. . .

The guard took me through the castle and down into the dungeon area where he tossed me unceremoniously into a prison cell, locking the door behind me.

I laid there awhile, wondering why they didn't just toss me in here when I was unconscious, but then Bowser's never made much sense. I sat up blinking as my eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, and finally I saw a dark figure at the other side of the cell.

"Hello?" I whispered, shivering--because it's cold, I'm not scared. (I'm really getting good at this lying to myself thing.)

Suddenly the figure snarled and jumped at me. A chain chomp! I screamed like a little girl and jumped back. (I honestly had no idea my voice could get that high-pitched.)

The chain chomp was, luckily, chained to the wall, so it couldn't quite reach me. It didn't stop it from snarling and trying to eat me.

I hope I can figure a way out of this. . .

* * *

**OK, that's that. Please RR.**


	4. Battle with Bowser

****

Alright, here's another chapter! Disclaimer: I don't own Mario Bros.

* * *

After spending two and a half hours looking through Daisy's castle and the surrounding area, I'd come to the conclusion that there really was no clue to be found there. Having done this, I closed my eyes, counted to ten, and did what any other rational, clear-thinking fellow would do.

I opened my mouth and started screaming. "**AUGH!!!** Curse you creepy doctor guy! Why must you be so devious!?! And you, Mario, this is all your fault! You fell for that stupid 'free pasta in the abandoned alley' trick again, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?! You MORON, this is the FIFTH time this WEEK!!! And it's TUESDAY!!!! When I find you, I'm gonna KILL you DEAD!!!"

Although I admit I did feel a bit better, my ranting had brought me no closer to finding my brother than before. And in spite of my temporary desire to kill him dead, I really had no intentions of leaving him in Bowser's clutches a nanosecond longer. But where on earth could he be?

If I was a deluded, reptilian megalomaniac, where would I stash a plump little plumber?

Maybe I'd better take another look at that letter. The doc might have given me a hint in some sort code, or something. Like, maybe if I rearrange the letters. . .

I took the note and started trying to decode it. After forty minutes, I'd uncovered a few hidden messages, such as:

_My teeth are like so transparent._

_The tall and handsome donut man is like pea film on rye toast._

_I have taken Fabio to get langerd feb some kape._

In the end, all I got for all my trouble was a headache and the knowledge that there probably wasn't some clue hidden in the note.

I sighed and tucked the letter away. Perhaps Princess Peach could help me; after all, she knows more about Bowser's methods than anyone. She should, he's spent years explaining his evil schemes to her while she waits for my big brother to rescue her.

Feeling a trickle of hope, I set off to Peach's Castle, hoping she'd have an idea as to where Bowser might be holding Mario.

I eventually made it to the castle, where I quickly rang the doorbell. I was a bit startled, however, when it wasn't Princess Peach's mentor, Toadsworth, who answered the door, but rather a cheeky looking Goomba.

"Yes?" he asked, looking around. I snapped myself out of my stunned state and stomped him flat.

It was very similar to Daisy's castle, only. . .not. I can't explain it. It wasn't like when I was going after Goombas and Koopas with a vengeance in Sarasaland, angry as all get out. No, this time I felt. . .well, nervous. Not really nervous, especially not as bad as before this whole stupid mess started, but it was there all the same.

You have to know what I mean. It's the same nervous feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and get a glass of water from the kitchen, and are trying to be quite cuz you don't want to wake anyone up. That feeling. But without the screaming when you dislocate your knee cap on the stupid coffee table that you're too tired to remember is right in the middle of the room. That feeling.

Funny feeling aside, it was fairly easy to beat all of Bowser's lackeys. But when I got up to Princess Peach's chambers, I realized that easy just left the equation. For who was masterminding this attack but the evil Koopa King himself, Bowser.

The slimy reptile stormed the castle at least once a month, looking to kidnap Princess Peach and force her to become his queen. It was disgusting, and sick, and wrong, but that's probably why he kept doing it.

Bowser looked at me and laughed. "So, this is the miserable Mario moron who mercilessly mangled my minions."

"Um, my name is Luigi. . ."

Get this, Bowser actually started pouting. "But I've been practice that for months!"

This man clearly needs a life.

With that thought on my mind, I ran towards him, swinging a right hook that he easily dodged. He whacked me with his tail and I went sailing. I landed hard, twisting my foot the wrong way. I screamed in pain and clutched my ankle.

"What's wrong with you?" Bowser asked impatiently.

"My foot. . ." I moaned. "I landed on it wrong. I might have broken it."

Bowser's jaw dropped. "What? How are we supposed to have a dramatic battle when you've got a broken foot!?!"

Testing my ankle, I sighed. "It's just sprained really badly," I replied.

"Oh, sprained, well, that's different then," Bowser nodded and dropped back into a fighter's stance. "Let's get on with it."

My eyes widened. "You've got to be kidding me!" I gasped. "How am I supposed to fight with a sprained ankle!?!"

Bowser paused, thinking. "Um, hold still and let me squish you?"

"But I don't **WANT** you to squish me!!!"

He shrugged. "You don't always get what you want," he explained. "Any last requests?"

I took a deep breath. I honestly couldn't think of a way out of this. Squished by Bowser Koopa, what a way to go. And now that it was almost over for me, there was only one thing I could think of to ask him. . .a question that had bothered me ever since the day I first saw him.

"Um, if you don't mind me asking, why don't you burn your lips when you breath fire?"

OK, so it's not the most intelligent question ever asked. I'm about to die here, gimme a break!

Bowser considered my request. "I don't have lips," he finally admitted. "Anymore."

You know, of all the answers he could have given me, that wasn't one I would have expected.

"Now hold still," the Koopa King ordered, getting a running start and leaping toward me. . .

* * *

**Ooh, a cliffhanger! RR, please!**


	5. From Top to Bottom

**Alright, here I am with another chapter. Disclaimer: If I owned Mario, I wouldn't be wasting my time writing about him here.**

* * *

I gasped as I saw Bowser leaping towards me and rolled out of the way. He landed, missing my head by mere inches.

"Hey!" The Koopa King scowled at me angrily. "Hold still so I can squish you!"

"Why should I?" I asked, hoping to stall him long enough to figure out a way out of this.

"Uh. . ." He paused, thinking intently. Then his eyes lit up and he said, "Because I'm a king and I told you to!"

"You're not my king," I told him, slowly inching toward the door. "So you can't tell me what to do."

"Yes I can!" Bowser protested.

"No you can't!"

"I am a King and I order you to hold still!"

"No, I'm leaving," I stood painfully and started hobbling toward the door.

"Oh, no you don't, I'm going to squish you!" Bowser yelled.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

Well, this was getting me nowhere fast. I thought for a second, then shrugged. "Uh-huh!" I said. (Hey, it worked for Bugs Bunny.)

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Listen here you!" Bowser yelled, so mad that steam was coming out from his nose, ⌠I give the orders around here, and I say that you should get out of here and stop telling me to squish you! I don't take orders from sniveling spaghetti slurpers like you, so there!"

"Okay," I grinned at him and resumed hobbling toward the door.

"Wait. . ." Bowser frowned, sensing something was wrong but not quite sure what. "What were we arguing about?"

"Um. . .you wanted to let me go?" I offered.

The Koopa King's brow furrowed and he looked confused. "Why?" He finally asked.

"You were ah. . .being chivalrous?"

"What did you call me!?!" Bowser yelled, looking extremely offended.

"It's a complement!" I said quickly.

"Not to a Koopa it isn't!" the Koopa King roared as he leaped toward me again. I dove out of the way just in time to avoid becoming eligible as an exhibit at the International House of Pancakes. Bowser landed on the floor, which cracked considerably under his weight.

We both froze as the floor continued to buckle and crack. Finally, the cracking stopped and we both sighed with relief.

"Wow, this castle is really well built," I stated happily.

Bowser chuckled. "Yeah, I almost thought it was going to break," he admitted.

All of a horrible ripping noise filled our ears and the floor gave way. I'm sure I told you how I feel about heights. Well, the only thing I hate more than heights is falling from them. I screamed and grabbed for something, anything, to help slow the fall. Unfortunately, the only thing in reach was Bowser, and as he was falling just as fast as I was, that didn't really work out too well.

I'm not sure how many floors we fell through. I do know that it was quite a few, and that we weren't even starting to slow down.

* * *

Toadsworth had had a very mellow day for once. No parties or sporting events to set up, no Princesses getting captured, and generally, a nice, quiet day.

He'd left the castle early that morning in order to do some shopping, and was pleased to see that all seemed to be at peace upon his return.

He whistled to himself as he opened the castle door and looked around the foyer, his gaze finally resting upon the beautiful tile picture that was positioned just right so that the sun would fall on it during certain parts of the day and literally make the whole room start glowing. It was just starting to shine today, and Toadsworth smiled at the beautiful sight.

**"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

The elderly toad yelped and jumped to the side, gaping at a pile of rubble falling thru the ceiling and into the beautiful tile flooring, breaking it and causing it to fall into the basement area. It was followed a split second later by a flash of green and a spiked shell; Toadsworth had less than three seconds to comprehend all this as this, too, disappeared down the newly constructed hole.

Toadsworth stood, gaping at the hole as his mind finally processed what had happened. His face turned crimson and he buried it in his hands, sobbing. "I say," he moaned. "That's the third time this week!"

And to think, he'd actually believed this could be a normal Tuesday for once. . .

* * *

Finally! We've stopped. And, other than my ankle, a few bruises, and torn clothes, I don't seem to be injured. I wondered briefly where we'd ended up, but before that I had more important things to worry about.

Like breathing. The dust from the wreckage was making it extremely difficult to do that. And call me crazy; for some inexplicable reason, I find it extremely hard to get on with my life when I can't breathe.

So there I was, coughing and hacking and having a hard time remembering why I had bothered to come to this stupid castle in the first place, when all of the sudden King Bowser grabbed me by the waist, yanked me free of the rubble, and started CPR. Which was weird, because I was awake and more or less breathing again.

"What are you doing!?!" I gasped as he started applying pressure to my chest.

"Don't go into the light!" Bowser cried, a disturbing glint in his eyes. "I need you! How can I be a maniacal villain without anybody to maniac?"

"What?" I started to struggle, trying to get away from him. "You'd better not try to start mouth-to-mouth, Koopa!" I yelled.

Bowser paused, considering. "You think that might work?"

_"NOOOOO!"_ I screamed in sheer horror, trying to claw my way out of his grasp. "I'm alive! I'm fine! Honest!"

"Oh," the Koopa King released his grasp. "Well, ready for me to squish you?"

I suppressed the urge to moan loudly and try to understand Bowser Koopa's logic.

"Hey!"

We both started at the sound of another voice coming from behind us. I turned around to see Yoshi gazing at us with a big grin on his face. "You found a way out! Yippee!"

The green dinosaur was so happy he jumped for joy and started licking Bowser's face, talking a mile a minute.

"**EW**! Get away from me, you little lickin' loser!" Bowser yelled, throwing Yoshi away from his face unceremoniously.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy I thought I'd be stuck down here forever! See, I ran down here to the basement three weeks ago because I heard a rumor that there was a secret stash of Twinkies and Japanese Anime Comics hidden down here. But when I got down here there weren't any so I decided to leave only I couldn't because someone who didn't know I was down here had shut the door and locked it so I was trapped. So I've been living down here, surviving by eating paint chips and drinking sewer water."

"Sewer. . .**_YOU SEWER SLURPING SISSY, YOU LICKED ME WITH YOUR SEWER TONGUE!!! SOMEBODY GET ME A DISINFECTANT! GET ME A KLEENEX!!! GET ME A BALD GUY WITH A SCRUB BRUSH!!! GET ME OUTA HERE!!!"_**

Still ranting about the things he wanted people to get him, Bowser Koopa jumped out of the hole to the room above us. "Goodbye, you macaroni munching moron!" he yelled, whacking a pillar with his tail and causing it to fall over the hole, plugging it up. We were trapped in the basement.

"Oh no!" I yelled. "Now how will I save Mario?"

Yoshi looked up at the now-plugged up hole and sighed. "I'll go make up the guest bed." He said sadly, walking off.

* * *

**And. . .Done! Alright, RR, please.**


	6. Escape?

**Here I am with yet another chapter. This one is in Mario's P.O.V. Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this blasted chapter or a pair of pink leotards. Because that would be wrong.**

* * *

That does it. I can not and will not stay in this cell one more minute. If I do I _will_ go insane. I have been in here for at least six hours and have seen no sign of anyone except that slobbering runt of a chain chomp that for some reason, scared me to death.

"I am SO pathetic!" I yelled to whomever bothered to listen to me.

I sat down in a huff and crossed my arms, my eyes going over to the chain chomp that was laying near the door and panting lazily. I bit my lip and noticed that the chain holding the chomp was not particularly long. Maybe, if I leaned up against the wall, it wouldn't be able to reach me.

I leaned against the wall and slowly started inching towards the door. The chain chomp stopped panting and growled at me, tensing to jump. I froze.

_'Run, you moron!'_ my mind screamed at me.

My body, however, wouldn't move. _'I like it here just fine!'_ it snapped back.

I wished they would both stop arguing and work together to get me out of this mess.

They didn't, and the chain chomp rammed me. I was thrown back to the far end of the cell.

Well, at least now I can say I no longer have an unreasonable fear of chain chomps. It's entirely reasonable.

Well, now what? I thought for a bit, then looked at the bars next to me. Maybe, if I tried my Firebrand, it would melt. . .

"Fire!" I said, powering up and starting to work on the bars. They got extremely hot, but after fifteen minutes they still showed no signs of melting. Someone must have made them special to resist my Firebrand. Which led to a question: Bowser is obviously not smart enough to think of, much less prevent, something like my Firebrand melting his prison bars. So, someone else must be involved. But who?

Maybe it had something to do with that man I'd seen briefly before I passed out. . .

"Good morning, Mario."

I looked over to the voice. Well, speak of the devil, it's that guy I saw. Hopefully, he'll be as much of a moronic braggart as Bowser and I can get some answers.

He pushed up his wire rimmed glasses and gave me a smile that was more like a grimace/sneer combination than an actual smile. It looked downright creepy.

"Sleep well?" he asked.

I blinked slowly at him and frowned. He looked familiar, if I could only place it. I knew that I knew who he was, but I just didn't know how I knew or what exactly I knew. You know that feeling, right?

I wracked my brain and came up with an answer. I knew exactly where I'd seen him before. "Hey, you're Fearless Leader from the Rocky & Bulwinkle Show!"

For his part, he seemed to start choking on some non existent particle. "I am not!" he finally spluttered. "I am nothing like that overly priced and tacky cartoon character! I have made many breakthroughs in the field of the subconscious mind and the interchanging of said mind through an ingenious combination of hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, and plastic bubble wrap! I am Professor Ollie Smokes, you nitwit!"

I shrugged. "Well, I was close."

Professor Smokes sighed and massaged his temples. "I see you are even more thick headed than the other one," he moaned. "I am an ingenious inventor, and I and I alone have created a device that allows me to swap personalities with anyone I choose. Like you and your brother, Luigi, for example."

"Luigi?" I frowned, grabbing the bars. Which were still burning hot, by the way.

**"OW!!!"** I yelled, letting go and massaging the first degree burns I now sported. "You'd better stay away from my little brother!" I warned the professor, although as tears were coming out of my eyes and my voice was a touch higher than usual, the threat left much to be desired.

"Oh, dear, I'm afraid it's too late for such threats," the professor said, practically cooing. "Luigi is fine, for now, anyway. The experiment was a resounding success."

"Experiment?" I asked, feeling sick to my stomach. What had they done to my baby brother?

"Oh, yes, a successful personality swap if I ever saw one. Last I saw of him, he was squashing Goombas and rescuing princesses without a care in the world."

I blinked. That didn't sound at all like Luigi. In fact, it sounded more like. . .me. . .

"You swapped our personalities?" I gasped. "Like, a sci-fi novel or something?"

"Don't call it sci-fi!" The professor yelled. "It degrades the genre! And yes, I did indeed switch your personality with your cowardly brother."

Well. That explains a lot.

The Professor gave that creepy grimace/sneer again and turned to a Koopa guard. "Take him to my laboratory. I've got a few more experiments and he should make a fine test subject."

With that, he walked out of the prison room, and I waited for the guard to open my cell, the beginning of an idea running around in my mind.

* * *

Five minutes later, Professor Smokes stormed back into the prison room. "What's taking so long?" he snapped, going to Mario's cell.

Mario wasn't there.

However, a tied, gagged, and extremely embarrassed Koopa guard was.

* * *

Two Koopa guards stood at their posts in the hall way, bored out of their minds.

"Hey, Bob," said one.

"What is it this time, Steve?" asked Bob, sounding annoyed, as if repeating a conversation he didn't want to have the first time.

"Have you ever felt like you're being watched and are going to feel extreme pain in a few moments?"

Bob glared at him. "Steve. What did I tell you about that feeling?"

"That I'm not important enough to be stalked and beaten," Steve answered. "But now I feel paranoid** AND** have low self-esteem."

A shadow fell across the pair and Bob glanced up just in time to see a white-gloved fist connect to his lower jaw. He let out an 'Oof' and dropped while a brown shoe jumped onto his midsection. Then, a red and blue blur systematically mauled Steve and went on his merry way.

There was an awkward silence where they whimpered, then it was broken by Steve.

"I _knew_ it! I told you so, Bob!"

"Shut up, Steve."

* * *

I moaned silently as alarms began blaring all around me. They must have discovered me missing from the cell.

I had been hiding in the shadows, but since the alarm went off it became harder to do, as the Koopas, being extremely inconsiderate, kept shining bright spot lights into it.

I sped up and darted into a room just narrowly avoiding a Koopa troop that ran past me. I sighed with relief and turned around.

Uh-oh.

I ran into Bowser Koopa's television room. And he's in here.

Fortunately, he hasn't seen me yet. He's too immersed in the exercise program he's watching.

Unfortunately, he's doing an exercise program wearing pink leotards and wearing a wig that looks like an afro with a pink bandana wrapped around his forehead. Pretty disturbing, huh? (Consider yourself lucky. You're just reading about it. I have to see it. And it's probably gonna haunt me in my nightmares.)

I know I need to leave if I'm to have even a chance of escaping. But I can't. I can't describe it. It's the same kind of morbid interest you get when watching train wrecks on the news. It horrifies you, but at the same time you just have to watch. (You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Oh, please tell me I'm not the only one who does that!)

Bowser tried to raise his leg, but he lost his balance and fell onto his back. "Hey!" he yelled, struggling in vain to get back to his feet. "Where's my goons? Get in here, I'm part turtle and I can't get up!"

He twisted and turned and finally he managed to roll to his knees. He huffed and panted, muttering something about hired help and firing his guards by feeding them to a piranha plant. Then, he stood up and--horror of horrors--he made eye contact with me!

He stared at me for a minute. He blinked, as if trying to ascertain what his eyes were telling him. Finally, his face turned beet red and he said, "Uh, I don't normally do this."

I didn't answer him. Instead, I turned and ran out as fast as my feet could take me.

I ducked into another hallway and noticed a Dry Bone guard with his back turned to me. I snuck up behind him and decided to do that stealthy twist-his-neck thingy that always works in those movies.

I reached up, grabbed his head, and yanked it hard. However, I had forgotten that the rules of taking someone out of commission don't necessarily work with Dry Bones.

Long story short: I didn't snap his neck. Instead, I twisted his head all the way around so he was looking at me. His jaw dropped in shock, then he screamed.

"I can't see my feet!!!" he yelled, running around and falling into a lava pit.

Not quite what I had in mind, but beggars can't be choosers.

I ran to the end of the hall and grabbed the handle of the door he had been guarding. The alarm got louder, if that was possible, and a steel cage fell from the sky and trapped me in it.

That wasn't what I had been hoping for.

I turned around and looked through the bars to see a very angry Bowser Koopa, no longer in leotards, glaring at me. "Thought you could get away, huh? Well, think again, Shorty! Koopa Pack, take him back to his cell and double the guard! He won't be getting away again!"

This was bad. But at least Bowser had taken off those leotards.

* * *

**Cut, print, that's a wrap. RR and tell me what you think.**


	7. WE MOP POOP

**Sorry it took such a long time, I had Author's Block in a way that was decidedly not funny. Disclaimer: Quick, kill the monster before it tries to sell us health insurance!**

* * *

Don't ask me how, but right now I am in a beautiful meadow. It's strange, how one could be in a horrid castle basement one moment and a beautiful meadow the next, and I have the feeling I know how it's happened, but right now I'm too thrilled to care much about such things.

"Welcome," called a man. "I am a peaceful monk." He threw his arms out and I heard a gunshot and somewhere, off in the distance, someone shrieked, "I'm hit!" Then came a thud, and an awkward silence.

Finally the monk said, "So sorry about that; I thought I had the silencer attached."

I was wondering just what kind of peaceful monk this was. I didn't get to ask, however, because the not-so-peaceful monk continued his obviously rehearsed monologue.

"Welcome to the Wonderful Entrancing Meadow of Perfect Peace & Ordinarily Obtainable Perfection. Or W.E. M.O.P. P.O.O.P, for short."

"We mop poop?" I repeated, blinking.

"Well, we try to, when it happens," the monk explained. "With all the peaceful bears and peaceful rabid squirrels, it's hard to, you know, 'impart bathroom hygienic rules,' if you catch my whiff—I mean, drift."

All of a sudden, I realized what my feeling was trying to tell me. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

A giant tree leaned down, laid his branches on my shoulders, and gave me a big smile. "You bet yer britches, little buddy," he said, sounding disturbingly like John Wayne.

"Well, while you're delusional, why don't you enjoy all the W.E. M.O.P. P.O.O.P. you can." He raised his arms grandly and his sleeves fell back, revealing several kitchen knives strapped to his arms. Along with two scalps on either elbow.

The monk quickly dropped his arms, covering his weapons. "Sorry about that," he said. "I had erroneously believed that I had cashed in those bounties. Oh, well." With that, he skipped off into the sunset, which he shot on his way out.

Whatever it was I ate before bedtime, I hereby vow never to touch again. This is _way _wrong on multiple levels.

I looked around, trying to figure out to get out of this crazy place. There were dancing bears eating singing bumblebees while the Dogwood trees chased the Catfish up…well, themselves. One of the trees ran right into me and knocked me into the singing brook. A waterfall appeared out of nowhere and said, "Luigi? Wake up! Gah, you're sitting in the drinking water!"

What the…

"Get off your lazy bum and out of the water! The last thing this stuff needs is _more _deadly pollutants!"

The meadow and all it's insane inhabitants disappeared and my eyes opened, revealing the fact that I was sitting—inside a vat of sewage.

"Come on, come on," Yoshi moaned. "We need to ration that stuff! You've already drunk enough to sink an elephant! Or flood a sewage tank."

So that's what that unique taste in my mouth was. Wait…I had been drinking…

"BLAGH!!!"

"Aw, man, Luigi! You totally barfed in the water! Now it's got little pre-chewed carrots in it! I _hate _carrots! I can't drink that now! You ruined everything!"

I stumbled out of the sewage, feeling light-headed and kind of dizzy. Yoshi paid me no mind; he just stayed on his side of the basement happily going mad.

"STUPID LUIGI!!! STUPID CARROTS!!! STUPID ANIME COMIC BOOKS!!! CURSE YOU ALL!!!" Yoshi shrieked rushing to the door. "AND YOU, STUPID DOOR!!! I SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU!!!" Performing the said action, Yoshi continued. "I SPIT ON YOU!!!" Again, Yoshi made good his claims. "I KICK YOU!!!!"

Yoshi kicked the door and with a sad, betrayed sounding groan, it creaked open. Yoshi stared at it, blinking slowly. "Oh," he said finally. "You're supposed to _push _it open."

I cannot believe this dinosaur, who I had trusted in blind, misguided faith, could be so incredibly inept. I glared at him and walked out the door, the happy Yoshi behind me.

Luckily, there was a warp pipe behind the castle that would take me home so I could change my sewage-covered clothes. Too bad my hat isn't replaceable.

"Look at this, Yoshi," I said, bemoaning the fate of my beloved hat. "I'll never be able to get this smell out. And there isn't another hat like it in the whole wide world."

"Sure there is," Yoshi said. "I got one right here." He showed me his hat, a proud smile on his face.

"Yoshi," I said, rolling my eyes. "That's not a cap. That's a fedora that you painted green and slapped on a white L in the middle. And the L is sideways, by the way."

"But…I worked so _harrrrd." _Yoshi moaned. "It took me eleven whole minutes to fix this up for you! That's eleven minutes of _my _life that I will _never _get back! You don't appreciate anything I do for you!"

"Oh, if it means that much to you, give it here," I sighed. Yoshi grinned and handed me the fedora. "Incidentally," I continued, "How'd you find this fedora, anyway?"

* * *

_ELSEWHERE IN THE BIG, WIDE WORLD…_

"Hey Marion, have you seen my fedora? I had it right here in this conspicuous location where a small dinosaur could easily reach it and cart it off to paint it green!"

"Indiana, you can't possibly tell me you can find the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and a creepy living Crystal Skull, and you can't find your own cap!"

"For the last time, it's a fedora! Now get off my case, woman!"

"Would you two stop yelling at each other?! It's all you've done since you've got married!!!"

"SHUT UP MUTT!!!"

"Don't you yell at my baby!"

"YOU SHUT UP, TOO!!!"

* * *

_BACK TO OUR PREVIOUSLY HATLESS PLUMBER…_

"Well, you'd better appreciate it. Because somewhere, there's a lot of strife because of that hat."

I gave Yoshi a double-take. "What are you talking about?"

"Just put the hat on," Yoshi muttered.

I shrugged and put the hat on my head. I felt a squishy feeling and my whole body seemed to deflate. "Yoshi?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"The paint wasn't dry, was it?"

"No, but don't worry. That's not paint. It's actually—"

"I don't want to know!" I shrieked, instinctively knowing I would vomit again should he tell me what I had shoved my head in.

Yoshi shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said. "I got to get back to the castle. I heard a rumor that there where Anime comics and Twinkies stashed in the basement." With that, he turned and walked off, humming the theme of the _Indiana Jones _series, for some unexplained reason.

I watched him until he was out of sight, then I remembered I had my own mission to attend too. I'd better find Mario fast, before I fell asleep again. The last thing I wanted was another night in W.E. M.O.P. P.O.O.P. with that crazy monk. And I had a feeling, that when our personalities got straightened out, the monk would go back to Mario's deranged imagination, where he belonged.

It was just one more reason to find Mario, and fast.

* * *

**RR, please.**


	8. I FINISHED IT! BOOYAH!

**I DID IT!!! FINAL CHAPTER, WOO-HOO!!!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it any more now than I did when I started.**

* * *

First things first: I returned home and found a fresh suit of clothes. I still have no cap, so unfortunately, the fedora stays. Besides, whatever Yoshi used to paint this hat green has made it stick to my head, so I couldn't get it off even if I did have another cap.

It seems I am doomed to wear a sticky green fedora for the rest of my days. I'll be in my coffin and they'll all say, "That's such a tacky green fedora," and the funeral director will yell, "IT WON'T COME OFF OK!? WHY DO YOU ALL BLAME **ME **FORTHESE THINGS!?!"

I sighed and walked out to the garage, hoping that I might make better time on my go-kart, when I remembered that my go-kart had 'mysteriously' disappeared the day I beat Mario in that race. He denies everything, but sometimes I wonder…

With nothing else I could do, I hopped into Mario's Mario Kart. (Tacky, yes. He insists I call it that, on the pain of the world's biggest noogie.)

I effortlessly started the engine, flawlessly stepped on the gas, and quickly drove right into the garage door.

There is only so much a man can take. I reached that threshold during the basement incident. This latest blunder had completely destroyed the sliver of self control I still possessed.

"I'M CURSED!" I screamed, kicking the tires of the now-ruined Mario's Mario Kart. "CURSED, I TELL YOU!!! I'M DOOMED TO BE A LOSER FOREVER!!! JUST LOOK AT ME, I HAVE A STINKIN' _**L**_ ON MY FOREHEAD!!! ON A STICKY GREEN FEDORA!!!"

Now that my temper tantrum was over, and I felt better, I more closely inspected Mario's Mario Kart. It was, just as I had suspected, ruined. My gaze drifted to the garage door, which was surprisingly more sturdy than I had previously assumed, as the only damage was a rather large dent that was stunningly shaped like a go-kart.

I sighed and walked over to the warp pipe to Bowser's castle that Mario had built in the front yard.

…Wait a minute…

….I am _such _an idiot.

* * *

I emerged from the warp pipe in the basement of Bowser's castle. The first thing I saw was a stunned Koopa, who was staring at me slack-jawed.

Running on instinct, I jumped up, landed hard on the Koopa's back, and kicked him into the wall.

"OW!!!" The Koopa screamed. "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU JERK!?!"

The Koopa's screams brought tons of Koopas and Goombas running into the room, all ready to laugh at his torment. I didn't give them the chance.

With moves that would make Jackie Chan turn green with envy, I jumped on top of a Goomba and used the forward momentum to cartwheel into two Koopas. I ended the cartwheel standing on my hands, and kicked my legs out into a twister-like spin that decimated the rest of my opponents.

Or at least, that's what I _would _have done, if I hadn't stepped on that randomly placed banana peel and fall flat on my face, effectively knocking myself out.

* * *

I woke up in a large hole, tied to a steak.

Not S-T-A-K-E, as in that large wood thing you are tied to, S-T-E-A-K, the meat thing you eat.

"That's weird," I muttered. "What idiot would toss me into a hole and tie me to a steak?"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Oh, look, there's Bowser. Well, that explains everything. Tossing someone in a hole and tying them to a steak is _just _the sort of thing Bowser would do.

"As you can see, there are no more flies for me to choke on," the Koopa King bragged.

I gave Bowser a confused look.

The King of the Koopas didn't see fit to explain himself, instead he started to laugh again. "BWHAHAHAH…" Suddenly he started coughing and choking. He yelled and stomped his foot on the floor. "Just _once _I would like to have a dramatic laugh without choking on a fly! Other villains do it! Besides, didn't I have that fly executed?"

"Yes, your tantrumyness," a random Koopa agreed, holding up a _really _small guillotine in his hand.

"Grr…" Bowser pointed to him. "Go find somebody to execute then!"

"But sir, it's too small for anyone but a fly, and there are no more flies," the Koopa protested.

"Well, cut off a toe or something! Make it work!"

"Yes, your unreasonableness," The Koopa bowed and rushed out of the room.

Bowser turned back to me. "And you, Green 'Stache, you can't beat me! Oh, I know how these stories go! You fight me, story, story, blah, blah, blah, happy, tear-felt ending and you get the big fat cake! Well, it's not going down like that! Because this time I've got THIS!!!" And he held out a guillotine that was slightly larger than the last one.

"Uh…"

"That's right! It's a GIANT FLY GUILLOTINE!!!!" Bowser laughed as he hopped down into the hole with me. "And blah, blah, blah, threat, threat, threat, using evil tendencies to steal evil villain tirades from lame movies about lavaboys and sharkgirls…"

Is anyone else _completely _weirded out by this guy? That's what I thought.

"Put your head here, if you please," Bowser requested, pointing to the…uh…Giant Fly Guillotine.

"No, I don't think so," I replied, bending down and jumping out of the hole.

"Hey! You can't do that!" Bowser yelled. "You're tied to a steak!"

"See you later, Bowser!" I taunted as I rushed to find Mario. I'm going to have a heck of a time explaining why I'm tied to a steak to him.

"Come back here!" Bowser screamed, trying to hop up. However, Bowser's not a very good jumper. "Bring me back my steak! Those things are expensive!"

* * *

I rushed down the halls of Bowser's Castle and eventually found the dungeons.

"Mario! Are you down here?" I yelled.

"Luigi!"

He's here! Thank goodness I'm not too late!

"Luigi, I'm over here!"

I followed the voice to Mario's cell and peeked inside the bars. Inside was my brother, Mario. Tied to a steak.

Mario took one look at me and smirked. "He caught you, didn't he?"

"Uh, yeah."

"I figured. After my last escape attempt, he tied me to a steak so I wouldn't be able to get away again."

"Here," I wiggled an arm out from the rope that held me to my steak and opened Mario's cell door. Surprisingly, it wasn't locked.

"Bowser figured that he didn't need to lock it," Mario explained. "And I was _not _risking seeing Bowser in pink leotards again."

I blanched at the mental image that gave me, swallowing some bile that spring to my mouth unbidden. "It was bad, wasn't it?"

"Let's just say it wasn't for the faint of heart," Mario replied, as the castle started to explode. _Why _the castle was exploding was a mystery, except that the castle always seems to explode whenever we go there.

Mario and I gave each other a worried look and rushed for the warp pipe out of Bowser's castle. We made it just in time.

* * *

Once at the safety of our own home, I walked into the house and grabbed a knife, cutting through the ropes that held us to the steaks.

"Give me that steak, Mario," I ordered. "Those are expensive, and there's no sense in having them go to waste."

"If you say so," Mario agreed, handing me the steak. Then he walked to the garage. "MAMMA MIA!!! LUIGI, SOMEONE HAS VANDALIZED THE MARIO KART!!!"

"How awful," I said, giving my most innocent, 'who me?' look I could.

Mario sighed. "Oh, well. I guess we'll just have to walk to Professor E. Gadd's lab so he can swap our personalities back to normal."

I agreed, and together we walked off into the sunset.

"Luigi?" Mario asked, no doubt wishing to thank me for saving him.

"Yes, Mario?" I replied, my heart swelling with brotherly love.

"What's with the fedora?"

**THE END.**


End file.
